Today’s post is a bit different which is fine since this is my blog. I had yet to write the post about our big finale in the Colorado mountains…the big hike! In the time since, I had been assigned an English paper and decided to write about it in that format. Today, I got that paper back with a big old 95 grade! YAY! So now it is time to share that experience with you. No need for further explanations…the writing should be sufficient.
Once Upon A Dream
As I begin to awake, I know immediately I am not in my bed on this morning. It is cold and in fact, sometime during the night, two blankets were laid across me. In the haze of sleep I scoot closer to my husband lying next to me, seeking his warm body to cuddle. His warmth feels safe as he wraps his arms around me tightly.
“Good morning, my sweet,” he whispers in my ear.
“Good morning, Rick, and guess what?” I exclaimed. “This is the day!
“Yes, my sweet; this is indeed the day.”
We had slept with the window open, as is our custom when we have vacationed in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. Our cabin, The Pea-Eye, is familiar, as we have stayed in it four different seasons now. August has turned out to be a lovely time to visit, for the nights are cool, but the days warm to near perfect temperatures.
“You go get a shower while I fix breakfast. Hurry up! We have a mountain to climb!” Rick exclaimed.
As the hot water beat down on my back, I allowed my mind to drift and remember those days of past, the loneliness, the depression, the fear to hope, the fear not to hope. Illness had zapped much of our energies the past 16 years, but those energies were being regained. The strength of character, the hopes of dreams, the determination of the spirit, those are the things illness can give to you. But, we had to fight hard for them, many times losing before we could gain. That there was a time so near in the past that pain was my daily enemy and to walk from one end of the room to the other was my daily goal is surreal. That I was once so weak and vulnerable drives my ambitions today, that and the dare to dream.
Cinderella has always been my favorite fairy–tale of them all! What little girl wasn’t captivated by all the romance and beauty? I can still sing most of the songs today by memory, but there is one in particular that I have kept in my heart for these past 16 years now and it goes like this:
A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep.
In dreams you lose your heartaches whatever you wish for, you keep.
Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through.
No matter how your heart is grieving if you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true.
Apparently my shower singing isn’t as appreciated as I would like to think, as I hear Rick yell from the kitchen, “Cinderella, I’m ready to start your eggs!”
“Give me 5 minutes,” I reply.
I’ll be the first one to say that, actually, the dream you wish doesn’t always come true. However…“Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through, no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing…” It is these words that I have held on to for these many years.
A single mom with three children finds the love of her life who then marries her and her three children. They are madly in love and plan a life together. That was my fairy-tale come true. And then, life happened. I became very ill. Two back surgeries, neck surgery, even my elbows; throw in severe depression and pain and in a wheelchair for much of the time for two years; walking canes, braces, and financial ruin don’t make for a good fairy tale. It was a very long 16 years.
Before illness occurred, I loved my career of nursing! My dream had always been to further my education from a licensed vocational nurse to a registered nurse and possibly beyond. It was devastating to me that all those dreams could vanish.
Rick was and continues to be my greatest supporter. He never gave up on me. When I gave up on hope, he gave more, so much so that in the times when he became weak, I was able to be strong for him. But even more than our love, strength, and hope for and in each other was our faith in God. He was and will always be our main source of strength.
As the years passed and slow healing times began and vacations were again possible, it was always to Colorado we went. Rick loves nature and especially so in the mountains. As he would ready himself for his hike, he would always tell me that one day I would go with him. I would smile, afraid to believe it, but always hoping. “Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through, no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing…”
“Eggs are ready; let’s eat!” Rick yelled.
As we sat together for breakfast on the porch of the cabin, enjoying the view of the mountain ranges, we were silent, both lost in our own thoughts. Even though I was sitting there with that mountain so obvious before me, I was having a hard time believing that I was actually going to climb it!
It had been such a long and difficult road we had traveled. Illness is just hard on a family. We had been waiting a long time to turn a page in our lives. Seems we had been taking one step forward and three backwards for an eternity now. But, the day had finally come. I had been working very hard; once I was able I got myself back in shape with various therapies, exercise routines, and special diets. Today is the day my dreams begin to come true, I thought, as a hummingbird buzzed around the feeder that hung from the covered porch.
“Tell me what you are so deep in thought about,” Rick said.
“I just have a lot of emotions running rampant right now, excitement, disbelief, uncertainty, fear. I can’t go back to where I just came from; I can’t get sick again; I won’t. Can I go forth to conquer the mountain; am I strong enough? I want this, but the uncertainty is frightening to me.”
He simply reached out to me with his hand, held me close, and said, “You’ve climbed many mountains now, Tracie, ones much harder than you face today. This mountain is in celebration. You’ve got this! Let’s get our packs ready. We’ve got a dream to go live.”
The plan was to drive to the top of Wolf Creek Pass where the Continental Divide is and meet up with Keith, an old friend who now lived in the area. Keith was familiar with the trail we would be hiking and would act as our guide. As we met up and exchanged hugs and “well-to-do’s,” Keith explained the trail to us.
“We’ll be starting off around 12,000 feet and decline to roughly 11,000 feet, maybe a little less. Some of the trail will be level, but most of the time we will either be climbing or descending. We will go as far as you feel you can go, but, remember, you have to save energy for the return trip.”
Dressed in our hiking attire, complete with boots and walking sticks, hats, sunglasses, and loaded backpacks, we set off first through a grove of trees standing tall as to obscure the vastness beyond them. As we came out from under them, we looked up to see the first of many types of scenery that would literally take our breath away. The mountains sprawl across the valley floors, so majestic with their peaks folding one into another. The clouds provided shadows that moved over the mountains, displaying a variety of colors, deep and rich. I had never seen so many wildflowers in one place, grown large and vibrant in their yellow, red, orange, and purple colors. It was as if someone had been caring for them; they were so perfect, yet untouched by human hand. The scene demanded attention as we all stood there just amazed at its perfection, breathing in the freshness of the pine scented air. My senses came alive as the deafening silence was interrupted by the bugling of the elk that stood grandly in the distance. I could see the trail stretching far, winding up and down the mountain side and then it would disappear, yet continue on unseen. “I’ve traveled many an unseen trail such as this,” I thought.
With the toast of the sun on our skin and the freshness of the mountain breezes, we hiked for several miles on the winding, changing trail. The scenery changed often, always stunning in its beauty. It was at one such point that my fear began to rise within me. The trail had changed and was about to get very steep. I have a great fear of heights, and this part of the trail was slippery with rock debris. Rick and Keith were deep in conversation, catching up on old times. I was trailing behind them, so if I were to slip, I wouldn’t have Rick’s hand. I didn’t want to bring attention to my fear, so I tackled it alone. I was wishing I had a blinder, like they put on horses, so I couldn’t see the steep slope just inches from my boot. It was obvious we were hiking across a rock slide. Even though I had been training for this very day, my legs were still not as strong as I would like. I felt a little nauseous and dizzy as I looked across the trail I had to travel to get to the safety of solid ground.
I think we imagine a lot of our fears, making them worse probably. The steep rock-slide area was really very short. Rick and Keith walked over it like it was nothing in a matter of just a few seconds, as they continued to share old memories. I stopped, assessed the danger before me and panicked, causing my fear to grow and imagined it to be more than it really was. But to me, it was real.
I moved my walking stick to the left hand, as the slope was on the left side. I carefully planted each step, feeling my way for anything that wasn’t solid and for that which was. My heart pounded in my chest as I attempted to keep the fear at bay. My steps were very calculated, all the while being very aware that Rick and Keith were increasing the gap between us. My mind fought with itself, “what if’s” coming from every direction, trying to force out the fear of falling. I remained focused with one step in front of the other, sure and solid. But, as with life, a misstep happens and that all consuming feeling of fear and danger encapsulates the entire body and mind as I slip onto my butt. This disturbance causes Rick and Keith to stop, turn around and ask, “Are you okay?”
As I mutter to myself, “No damnit, you’ve left me by myself, and I’m scared to death and why aren’t you paying attention to my fear?” I found myself saying, “I’m okay!”
I did reach the other side of the sloped, death defying rock slide, but very aware that I would have to face it again on the way back. I would meet that obstacle later; I had many more challenges ahead.
Coming from a time in my life of complete helplessness, weakness, vulnerability and failure to the various challenges the mountain hike gave, boosted my confidence and character strength that I was needing to continue forward with dreams yet unfulfilled. I would soon be starting college at the age of 49 and was uneasy of the challenges ahead. But, at this moment, with each step made, I conquered more of my fear and doubt.
We were looking for a flat area where we could sit and rest our weary bodies and enjoy our lunch. We had hiked far into the mountain so as to have only steep sides and cliffs surrounding us. We continued walking, knowing at some point we would find the perfect place to stop and ingest the sights and the food. The views were so incredible that with each corner turned, a more majestic sight enveloped us, making it hard to quit exploring. We each found ourselves repeating the words, “Just a little further.” “Let’s see what’s on the other side.”
As we rounded what would become the last corner, I saw it. Just above our trail was a flattened area that cascaded high above and over a cliff. It was perfect, but the climb up was very abrupt, and the trail below was very narrow with another of those slippery, falls to my death, rock slides. Something inside me wanted to make that climb. I needed to conquer it.
“This is it,” I said. “Let’s climb up there and have lunch; the view is perfect.”
The guys looked at me like I was crazy, and I felt inside that the high altitude must have gotten to my better senses because this was a very steep climb. What was I thinking? Keith went up first. He wanted to scout out the area making sure it was attainable. I would go next, with Rick behind me, as if he could actually catch me. I think he figured that if we fell, we would die together; que sera sera!
I just want to say right now that there is no shame in hugging the side of a mountain in order to save your life! I used every little tree, grass blade, and stone I could find to make it to the top of that cliff. I literally hugged the ground with my body in the steepness of the climb thinking all the while, “don’t look down!” I was scared to death that at any moment I would lose my grip and plummet to the mountain valleys below. But, when I did finally reach the top, ungraceful as I was in doing so, I was able to look my mate in the eyes with a smile that only he could comprehend. He gave me a high knuckle five, as is our custom. Elation was the feeling of the moment as we celebrated with a feast for kings and queens. Fresh strawberries, grapes, apples, hard boiled eggs, and tuna was our banquet. I’ve never had a more exquisite meal!
At that victorious moment, Keith felt it best to point out that we were actually dining on a perch that was the perfect place for a mountain Lion to hunt his prey. Men, they are so funny and have an uncanny way of eliciting the fear of a woman! But at this moment, I had overcome fears and I wasn’t about to entertain any more! First I had to worry over how to get off the mountain Lion perch. Of course, that is what butts are for!
On the trek back, I had a feeling of victory within me! I had my fears in control, and I felt the need to express my elation in song. In experiencing the full magnitude of God’s glorious creation, there was but one song appropriate, “How Great Thou Art”.
O Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the works Thy Hand hath made,
I see the stars, I hear the mighty thunder,
Thy pow’r throughout the universe displayed;
…When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur
And hear the brook and feel the gentle breeze;
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art! How great Thou art!
We had seen the awesome wonder, heard the majestic thunder that echoed through the mountains; we felt the wet coolness of the mountain brook and discovered a greatness that was far beyond ourselves. The mountains, they fill me with a magic that none can touch, I love them so. They elicit my fear, but help me to conquer them. They fulfill my dreams in ways I cannot fully explain.
Are you wondering how I made it back across the steep rocky slide or do you already know? Yes, my fears engaged, but this time I was able to abate them. This time, I asked for help and with Keith in front of me, and Rick behind me, I took control of my fear and walked slowly across the slippery slope.
My next adventure is now upon me as I begin that long awaited for dream of becoming a registered nurse. I look forward to the challenge with confidence and hope!
…”Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through, no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing…”
Weminuche Wilderness Rio Grande National Forest
